Realizations

I've always wondered when I would truly feel like a mom. After 15 months with Kaleb it's still so odd to think that I am responsible for this child's upbringing. He will be my responsibility for the next 18 or so years. He's going to scream "I hate you!" to me one day because I'm going to have to ground him. But today I had one of those mom moments. His hair is getting ridiculously long in the back and verging on the side of mullet. Eric's been talking about it the last few days (ahem, weeks) so after his bath tonight I trimmed the back of it. Now, this may not seem like much, but when I was growing up, my mom trimmed our hair and I always thought of it as a true "mom thing" as much as some people think about licking your finger to get a smudge off a face. And today I got to do it. It wasn't perfect, but it was good enough.

On a similar note, I remember when I first felt like an adult. It was the first time I was able to cut wrapping paper by sliding the scissors down the line instead of having to cut each time. Sounds simple, I know, but I remember thinking that when I was able to do that I'd be ready for the secrets of womanhood.

On a non-mom yet somewhat related note, today I felt, for one of the first times since moving to kindergarten, that maybe I wasn't cut out for teaching. I hate having to paddle kids, and I had to paddle one on his birthday. It's true that the kids act crazy and can be rude, defiant, disobedient, and just downright mean, but how should I react to it? Should a hoop and holler? Should I paddle? Should I call parents? Should I take them outside and talk to them? I've done all of these things and so much more. Even though I tell myself "they're just kids" some part of me also says "but they should know not to talk back to an adult." There's just such a discrepency on how kids are raised and what they are taught to do and not to do. I know I would have died before back talking my teacher, but some of these kids straight up tell me that they won't do their work and I can't tell them what to do. A friend of mine was talking to a couple teachers in our district about homeschooling her child (not even one yet) because so many teachers complain about their jobs and she wouldn't want her child going to someone that hates what they do. That really hit me because she is SO right. I wouldn't want to send Kaleb to a teacher who didn't want to be there and didn't care about the kids. (Honestly that would be me some days) My goal as a teacher these next seven school days is to stop and think "What would I do if this were Kaleb?" and "Do I love what I do? Why?"